Jobless Days - 3 Feb

3 Feb Confessions

When a writer writes, a painter paints, a singer sings, a dancer dances; he confesses. I writing journals and more than that not keeping them to private reading only, indeed has a motive. A motive to confess, or as I would like to call it- self-condemn. The power to observe is a curse. When you observe, you confess, you self condemn. For the time being, replace the word ‘confession’ from your vocabulary with ‘self-condemnation’, and try to remember the last time you observed something. Anything, it might be a gay couple at a beach, two close buddies in the bus, an old lady finding it too difficult to bend down and pick up her glasses, grand pa dozing off on his rocking chair, street children quenching their thirsts from the fountain near the broken BMC pipeline or simply the waves at the beach or the clouds passing by. While you observe, your brain constructs a metaphorical memory which happens to be the closest to your observation. Thus, you begin questioning your existence. While you are doing so, your self confidence is beaten cruelly by your gruesome guilt! As an outcome, your (so-called) friends term you as ‘lost’. Something like this is a commonplace in my life. I am known to be ‘lost’. It’s absolutely normal to be lost; but ‘how frequently’ is the thin line that separates me and you.

Finally, we got a Tata Sky connection. Since I chose to stay at home, I landed up coordinating with the chirpy Tata Sky engineer and his novice side kick to get the satellite signal ‘direct to my home’. The Idiot Box, which has been my friend since childhood, re-unified with me after 5 years. I see it has developed quite a bit. Has become thinner and has a new name- LCD! With the digitization infecting everything, my friend also got himself ‘digitized’ (thanks to the trusted Tata). Turning on the TV and watching my old friend talk about the 5 years we had lost was amazing. I, at a point wished that he never stopped. He looked so excited to tell me how much the world has changed and what I missed. The best thing about childhood friends is no matter after how many years you meet, the conversation seem like you never had been apart! He spoke with the same spirit, but thanks to the digitization, he had developed an accent. I tried mocking him a bit with that accent, but ended up being a laughing stock for few minutes. (Ah! I can never get that accent.) At a point while conversing with him, it occurred to me that I was excited more than him, but for a different reason. I was thinking the whole time of talking about our conversation to my new friend- The Social Network! And that was when I began self-condemning. I wasn’t excited to talk to my childhood friend, but I was excited to talk about him to my new friend. My guilt scored a point against my self confidence. I was looking at him, talking, gesturing, laughing, jumping, singing, dancing- but I wasn’t listening. I was rather bothered about what my new friend must be doing at the moment. I checked my cell phone - no texts. My guilt scores another point. The Idiot Box was so happy to meet me that it refused to take a breath; it was going on and on. From one topic to the other- no breaks! I was still thinking about Social Network. My self confidence was losing. I started thinking about the guilt of not trying to call The Idiot Box in these 5 years even once. I didn’t even write anything on his wall... wait, I just prioritized the Social Network over The Idiot Box! I stopped my thoughts. Self confidence has lost the battle. Guilt over powered, and celebrated his victory! My head burst with the sound of the fireworks. I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s when The Idiot Box asked me the first question about me- “So, tell me, what did you do in these 5 years? You never called or replied to my messages. What’s up?” He was smiling. (My guilt was hosting a naked pool party with his girlfriends in my head!) I smirked. He didn’t speak, he was smiling. I thought, he would avoid the topic and move on, but he didn’t. He waited for a reply.

My self confidence was laying injured, blood oozing out from each wound, face swollen up with the smashes. I closed my eyes and prayed, to give him one last chance. That’s when I recollected the scene from Deewar. (I have seen the film so many times with The Idiot Box!). Vijay climbs the step of the temple for the first time to beg God for his mother’s life! The bells ring, it starts storming. I visualized myself as Vijay ..err a fat Vijay (tried a lot to morph my paunch, but as I said my self-confidence was injured!). I screamed “Bhagwan, aaj main tere chaukhat pe..mere self confidence ka jaan ki bheek maangne aaya hun...” With that, the bells rang even louder. Melodramatic childhood days were getting back. The police raided the pool party; my self confidence rose and stood on his legs! My guilt was taken into custody; while going he said “This is just the beginning.” But I didn’t pay him any heat. My self confidence was back! I opened my eyes; the Idiot Box was still smiling, unaware of what just happened. I smiled too and said, “I missed you buddy.” We hugged. Then I spoke about my new friend- the Social Network; and guess what, he was eager to meet him, he had heard about him a lot. They had met once before and had clicked it off well! I was so glad! I was scared for nothing. I smiled. That’s when my friend (with a job) called me “Aye, Lost!”....I smiled. He had no clue why I smiled, and continued to tease me. But I and you both know now, what I went through confessing and self-condemning to my childhood friend! Phew!