Showing posts with label diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diary. Show all posts

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Virgin's Monologue



Virgins’ Monologue
The demon was approaching fast. He ran with his giant footsteps. Covering miles with his leaps. I was looking into his eyes, red like burning coal. Molten lava dripping from his teeth. His muscles seemed pumped up and bulged with every jump. I sat there, struggling to run away. I was scared. All my thoughts were convincing me to get away. But I sat there. Still. He was approaching. I felt tear drops rolling down my cheeks. I sat. Still. Emotionless. He was not willing stop. He was going to consume me. Eat me and chew off my flesh. Crunch by bones and spit out my soul. I sat there. Still. Something kept me glued. Perhaps I loved the pace with which he was approaching. My body heated up. My thoughts gave up against his fire. He took his final leap; in a fraction of second, he would be all over me. Monster, go away, I thought. “Monster, eat me!”, I screamed!

He fell over me. Held me in his arms. His nails dug my flesh. A tiny stream of blood escaped my veins. I surrendered. What does the monster have in him that makes me surrender, I thought! I felt pain. My soul was screaming, it was struggling within my flesh to escape. I didn’t allow it to escape, I chained it within my body. If I die, my soul dies too. I respect my ego. I felt the monster’s breathe- hot- like 100 degrees. I was lying down. He was all over me! I had nowhere to escape. I loved being under him. I hugged him. Bit his neck and sucked with all the force that I had. He moved up and down. My vision blurred. My skin felt his skin. It was rough.

I thought of my mother. She used to make my beads, put mehendi on my palms, press my legs and massage oil on my body. She sang me the best lullabies. My father- spoke about the world to me. My sister- my friend, my soulmate! My little brother- played in the porch with the tiny squirrel with all his innocence intact. I was innocent too, once upon a time. Now, I am just a stone. With dead emotions and a rotting soul.

When the monster will get up and leave me, I have to face his family, his parents- the people who have nurtured him- he calls them as his ‘trainers’. Monster is nothing without them. They are indeed much bigger and much more ferocious. I have to face them, tomorrow when the sun sets. They shall look into my eyes and point their filthy nails at me!

What should I do? Walk the streets looking down? Do you know what I stand for? I am the one who makes you. I am God’s first creation. I am the one who shall be known as ‘mother’ later. I am the one who pours milk on your thirsty dried throat. I am the one who will provoke you. I am the one who will calm you. And you dare to point your filthy nails at me? Have you looked at your reflection lately? You will get scared, trust me. (You have no choice) I, after all, am the mirror!

Society, I have sacrificed my soul for your betterment. I happily saw the monster as he enjoyed feasting upon my body! I stand here today, alone, on this side of the line where the world is burning. You are sitting on your couch with the air conditioning on, watching your favourite reality show. When will you look at me? I am waiting. I don’t hate you; after all, it’s you who has given birth to me. I owe you a lot!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Jobless Days - 25 Jan


25 Jan
As usual, another day without a job, and an interview that i knew was not meant for me! I am getting influenced by the people around me, and the films that I see. Surprisingly, I am getting back to writing journals. This might help to give the voice in my head some shape. For the time being, due to the laziness overpowering my physical activities, and paints -i choose to write and not paint. The voice in my head thus shall have the shape of English alphabets and not splash of paints.

Today began with continuous texts from Ms Aditi, about the interview schedule getting postponed. Well, this was the sign- the job wasn’t meant for me. Kyanton mamu said that i shall be employed under a ‘fair lady’- Ms Tanvi isn’t the one i guess. I have been smoking quite a lot of cigarettes i must say- cigarettes and I share a bit of history. The tobacco stick that i took up to make Shajeeh (my roomie from VIT) get rid of his ‘bad’ habit, has today actually become a vital organ in between my fingers. Human beings amaze me. How easily we get consumed by habits. Something that i strongly feel nowadays is I am struggling to hold on to ‘me’. I am so scared to welcome the new me.

Nice day-expected interview-late lunch-some cigarettes-walk to the beach-unhygenic cheap dinner-how i met your mother episodes and the ended.

I am getting jealous of the utopian world that i see in the films and American sitcoms! I still wait for the future that i think is written. I also know that i don’t know what’s written, but assumptions are keeping me going. No job-no girl-unhappiness-compromises—is this going to be my daily routine? For now the answer seems like- yes!